Believe or Break by Chantal Eisenhauer

My sister Jenna is getting married. The rest of my family is relieved. I, however, get sick to my stomach whenever I think about it. That feeling kept creeping through my body, almost reaching up into my mouth a few times. I was at another dress shop downtown, trying on another dress for my part as maid of honor. How honorable was a sister that felt sick at the thought of marriage? Now, I would stand out from the other girls, as Jenna decided I needed a different color dress. Not to mention that I have to stand up at the reception and give a speech. Seriously, what the hell do I have to say about love?

“Aunt Laina, do I gotta wear this? It makes me itchy.” I looked over at Jade in her umpteenth flower girl dress. She sat down and seemed to disappear , the lace and ribbon closing in on her. She looked so much like Jenna.

Jenna and I used to be practically the same person. We liked all of the same things and usually had the same thoughts. She was only a year older than I was, but two grades ahead of me in school. I was forced to watch silently as she was pulled into reality much quicker. Jenna entered middle school leaving me behind with recess and sidewalk chalk while she got her period and discovered boys. My life stayed exactly the same. Trying to figure out who she was, Jenna gave in to parties and alcohol just to get close to boys. To be accepted. She found a confidence when she was drunk that she could never find in herself before. The night she lost her virginity was a night I should have learned from. There had been one particular boy she liked. She went to all the right parties until he decided she was good enough, or he was drunk enough to sleep with her. To Jenna, it was everything. She thought this made them a couple. To him, it was just sex.

By this point though, Jena and I barely spoke at all. I gathered bits of information from hushed conversations at the dinner table. There were also the nights I would lie in bed, pillow over-head to drown out the sounds of arguments downstairs. Usually, Jenna would come into our room crying and tell me I was too young to understand when I tried to comfort her. Suddenly, that one year between us was growing. It seemed endless. Years went by and her behavior only got worse. Weekends were all the same with Jenna sneaking in late barely able to walk. I took her up to bed, making sure she was safe. Those years of our parents fighting almost pleading with her and pleading with me to learn from her mistakes. Until one day everyone got tired and she moved out and they got divorced.

Jade was born right before Jenna turned nineteen and now that she was getting married the tables turned on me. Now it was, “you should be more like your sister.” I should want more out of my life or do more. I need to stop playing it safe and take chances, but that wasn’t me. That was Jenna.

“Aunt Laina,” Jade pleaded. “Please get this dress off me!” I picked her up and watched as her curls fell perfectly around her face. How many guys will break her heart? How many nights will she sit and wait for a guy to call and what will she do when he doesn’t? It breaks my heart to have such thoughts and I shake them as quickly as they came as I change her out of her dress.

Jenna comes out of her dressing room in the dress she has tried on countless times. “I’m still not sure.”

“Does it make you itch?” Jade asks seriously.

“No, but—”

“Then its perfect.” She throws her own dress on the floor and Jenna finally decides that this is the dress she would get married in. In fact, the dress was perfect. The strapless style she had chosen complimented her body very well and the train flowed behind her as though she was a princess.

I myself have never been in love. I thought I was once. His name was Derrick and he was flawless. I can still remember the first time he ever talked to me. It haunted me in my dreams on so many occasions. “Remind me, why is it that we never talked before?” He smiled a crooked smile that always drove me to do anything. It was intoxicating.

“Because I don’t know you,” I said bluntly. He made me nervous and that was the only thing I could manage to say.

“Well let’s change that.” He introduced himself and I mumbled my name as best I could. Falling in love with him was easy. He made it impossible not to. We spent eight amazing months together. I had dated before, when I was in high school, but nothing this serious. By this point in our relationship we had done everything but had sex. Jenna talked me through how to give hand jobs one night and then blow jobs another. Derrick was getting restless. We had almost done it a few times, but I would get scared and he would be so sweet saying, “I want us both to be ready or it won’t be special.”

The night we slept together was perfect. I knew I was ready and I dressed for the occasion. Under my clothes I had worn a matching lacy bra and panties. Something I had never thought about before. I wanted him to want me even more. I wanted to have everything with him and this was how I would show him that. I was shy and nervous. The way he moved on top of me was a high I had never experienced before. His day eyes looked up at me and he smiled that crooked smile as he slid himself inside me.

I fell asleep smiling that night. The sex itself was shockingly painful, but for a while Derrick and I were together as one. We were happy. Or so I thought. I spent the next few weeks wondering where I went wrong. It had to be my fault. I talked to Jenna obsessively about it. I couldn’t believe he dated me for eight months just for sex. He made me feel like we would be together forever. How could he take my virginity and never call again? How could he look me in the eyes and tell me how much he loved me and just leave?

Sometimes that feeling of desperation comes back to me. The way I felt for countless nights after he didn’t call. Or when I saw him a month later with a new girl at his side. We’ve been broken up for almost a year and a half and I let myself become just as broken. Sometimes I wake up, covered in sweat from a dream of a faceless man kissing and touching me and I know that it’s derrick. I never let myself get involved again. I have gotten so used to the painted smile on my face. I guess I had to learn from my own mistake for once, not someone else’s.

“Laina, pick up! I know that you are there.” There was a pause. I was there staring right at the answering machine with Jenna’s voice coming out of it. “Alright, fine, please just call me back. Love you.” I heard the click and started breathing again. But it was all too soon as the phone started to ring again.

“You’ve reached Laina Tiler… congratulations,” I heard myself say as I looked at the answering machine.

“Hey Laina, this is Logan Wells. I work with your sister Jenna and she gave me your number.”

“You have got to be kidding me!” I screamed at the machine.

“Anyways, I would really like to maybe have coffee with you sometimes.” He left his number and said he really hoped I’d call him back. Really, what was I going to say if I did? God, I’m pathetic. I picked up the phone and stared at it for a while before I began to dial.

“What the hell is wrong with me?” I shouted before she even finished her hello.

“I’m sorry, what?”

“Well there is obviously something wrong with me if my own sister thinks she has to get guys that she works with to ask me out. How many times do I have to tell you that I am happy with my life? I don’t want to date right now.”

“You never date. You never have.” She sounded sympathetic, but sincere.

“And why does that matter to anyone else? This is my life.” I couldn’t stop yelling at her and my heart was beating at an all time high

“But you’re not living and you’re not happy. I know that you were fucked over by a guy, but who hasn’t been? That was a long time ago and you need to stop letting fear of getting hurt control you.”

I hung up. I was so damn tired of everyone telling me how to live my life. I don’t want to date and I sure as hell don’t want to fall in love. What will that get me? The problem was I had never actually seen a relationship last, but I have seen my mom crying when she found out my dad cheated on her and my friends crying over someone who was the love of their life. Yet they all still believe in love. Why can’t I?

The next day my soon to be brother-in-law Alex asked me to help him register for wedding gifts as Jenna was taking Jade to get fitted for her dress. “Are you bringing anyone to the wedding?” Alex asked shyly, almost like he was afraid to.

“Oh, you’re in on this too?”

As I looked at him in his blue jeans and striped polo he looked like a little boy as he looked down at the ground. I knew Jenna had told him to ask. He tried to be casual as he shrugged his shoulders giving up on the conversation. “We’re not all bad you know.”

There was nothing I could say. The way he said it was so innocent and I knew there was a truth in it. All in all, Alex was a pretty good guy. He had gotten Jenna pregnant pretty early in their relationship and I was sure he would leave her. Our whole family thought that, but he stayed. The night they told us she was pregnant I remember not looking at Jenna, but Alex. His eyes were scared and they were stuck on the floor. His eyes stayed the same throughout the pregnancy until Jade was born and he held her for the first time.

“Are you afraid to get married?” The question came out before I could stop myself.

“Not really , we’ve waited for a long time. Are you afraid to be happy?” For once he looked directly at me. I knew he wasn’t asking for Jenna this time. I didn’t answer and he didn’t expect me to, but the question was out there.

We went into store after store. Looking for everything on the list that Jenna gave us. The rest of the afternoon was pretty quiet. We didn’t say much about anything except the list. My mind was elsewhere. I knew that I was afraid. How long would it be until I wasn’t?

“Laina, I wasn’t really supposed to say anything, but Jenna got you a date for the wedding.” Again, Alex was looking at the ground.

“Then why’d you tell me?”

“I don’t want you to be mad at her. He is one of my best friends. You actually met him at the engagement party and he has been asking about you ever since.” He pulled out a piece of paper and handed it to me without saying anything more. It was a phone number with the name of the guy, Aidan Brooks. I did remember him. He talked to me almost the whole night. Alex told me to call him if I wasn’t interested. “Be gentle though, he’s a nice guy.”

We went to a small café to meet Jenna and Jade for lunch. We got there before they did and found a table in the back. Ale and I ordered a cup of coffee and waited in silence. From behind me I heard the door burst open. The bell that hung over it was jingling as Jade ran through the café to meet us at our table. She was wearing a tiara and a Disney princess dress. She gave her dad a kiss and climbed onto my lap. “When you get married could I be the flower girl?”

“I don’t think I’m getting married anytime soon.” She looked at me a little disappointed.

“That’s what Cinderella think’d too. You need a Fairy Godmother.”

“Sorry we’re late. Jade didn’t want to change out of her dress.” Jenna approached the table and sat down next to Alex. She ran her fingers through his hair; I had to look away. It made me nauseous. I decided to take that moment to get away from the table. I took Jade to the bathroom and dodged her questions about my own wedding, which only made me more nauseous. I went into the stall as the feeling to worse. Bending over the toilet I began to sweat. Jade kept talking, but I couldn’t make out what she was saying. When the dry heaving stopped I stood up and took Jade’s hand.

On our way back to the table there was a third person sitting there. “Oh, Laina look who we found. He was just on his way out of town and stopped in to get a cup of coffee.” As soon as the lie came out of her mouth it was all I could do to smile. Aidan turned to look at me and I tripped over me own feet. I sat down, my face too red to look at anyone. “Actually, we have to go. Call me when you get home sis.” they didn’t even wait for me to say anything. I looked at Alex, his face was blank and I knew that he didn’t know about this. He shrugged as if to say he was sorry as he left me there.

“Well I don’t want to keep you, if you were on your way somewhere.” I picked up my purse

“Just have a cup of coffee with me. Just coffee, nothing else.” I had a hard time believing that. No guy just wanted coffee. I sat down as Aidan called the waitress over to refill my coffee. I watched the steam pour out of the cup as I filled it with cream and sugar. I had nothing to say to this guy. I didn’t care to have coffee with him and I didn’t care about anything he had to say. He reached across the table and my body started to shake. What the hell did he think he was doing? His hand was right in front of me; it reminded me of Derrick. I closed my eyes and saw Derrick’s hands coming towards me, pulling me close to him. I opened my eyes when I heard the sugar jar being pulled across the table and my heart started beating again.

After I had a few cups of coffee in me I stopped mumbling and started talking a little more. Aidan asked a lot of questions, which made it easier for me. I didn’t have to worry about what to say and the awkward silences became shorter. He was very polite and on our way out he said, “I know that Jenna wants us to go to the wedding together, but I don’t want to pressure you. If you want to give me a call, otherwise let’s just be friends.” We made the deal and I almost believed that he was nice guy. I laughed all the way home because I almost let him fool me.

Before long the wedding day had arrived. After rushing around for the last week I finally took a moment for myself as I sat in the dressing room at the church. My hair was pinned up neatly and I couldn’t sit comfortably in my dress. All of the other girls were busy finding their dates before the ceremony. I had seen Aidan when I arrived at the church; he was helping set up. He told me that I looked beautiful and I rushed to the dressing room before I could respond. I stood in front of the mirror for a while. No one had called me beautiful in a long time.

As I sat on the wicker couch I found the photo album that had been a gift at Jenna’s bridal shower. The photos were of our parents’ wedding. As I sat looking through them I wondered why someone would give this to her. Did they think Jenna and Alex ‘s marriage would end just like our parents’ did? I looked at each page of the album quickly and then I started through a second time. The smile on my mother’s face was hard to believe. Was she really happy? I didn’t understand how two people could be so happy and so in love and end up in pieces. I used to sit and look at these same pictures when I was a little girl. I wanted my wedding to be just as beautiful. Jenna didn’t like to look at them. She never wanted to be married. How did I let one guy change the entire course of my life?

Jade came flying through the doors with her basket of flowers in her hand. She had been practicing all morning. She jumped on the couch and told me it was time to go. I grabbed her hand as we left the dressing room. Hers was the only hand I had held in ages. We got in our places in line and the music started playing. The whole church smelled of flowers as I walked down the aisle with Alex’s brother.

The church filled with tears as Jenna came walking down the aisle. The ceremony was everything she ever dreamed. The church was big and filled with family and friends. They looked uncomfortable on their wooden pews and I was glad I got to stand. I wondered how many people were looking at me wondering when I would be married. The thought made me feel sick. The pastor was going on and on about undying love and the flame will only go out if you let it. Bullshit. It was all bullshit, this whole thing. On the outside everything was perfect. The decorations, the flowers, the dresses and the tuxedoes, but I couldn’t help but look out at the guests. How many of them thought this marriage would fail? They looked believable and they fit their parts well. They were crying and smiling, but did they believe in the love of these two people standing before them? I sure as hell didn’t. Yet I was standing right next to them playing my part just as well.

I looked back at Jenna. She was crying. I knew that she thought this was one of the happiest days of her life. Alex was saying his vows to her. He told her how much he loved her and that he couldn’t picture his life without her anymore. Bullshit. As they said their I do’s they looked as happy as ever. I felt that sickness once again creeping through my body. Just as the pastor announced that Alex could kiss his bride I turned around and threw up all over the flowers.